Saturday, August 28, 2010 5:50 AM
May God bestow upon me a peaceful heart,
so that I can accept those things that cannot be changed.
May God bestow upon me courage,
so that I can change those things that can be changed.
May God bestow upon me wisdom,
so that I can differentiate things properly.
Monday, August 16, 2010 2:33 AM
DEAR BLOG,
I remembered how much I love drawing and music.
Thank you Jason for reminding me.
STEPH
Friday, August 13, 2010 4:17 AM
Well, pretty amazed this turned out so well because if I remember correctly while taking this picture, my nose was leaking and my eyes had trouble staying open.
So I stared at this picture, and thought, what am I doing to myself? And on the TV now is this obese woman crying about her weight because she thinks she is at risk for heart disease (as a bio student I would say, yeah, that's for sure lady), and she's crying and crying and crying about how she is lazy. LAZY? wtf right... lazy.
Anyway it just dawned on me what I'm really doing to myself. I mean its like all the while I was just crying and feeling sad and finding all sorts of excuses to be weak. But derealization has set in somehow, no I'm having a panic attack or fitting in DSM criteria, but I feel like I'm just staring at myself from a third party's point of view.. crying, begging, forcing my way through into a metal door.
So am I gonna still continue with this absurdity that everyone calls?
Yes. I am still staying his friend, because now I have faith in my strength. I believe I am never gonna let myself even fall into a situation where my pride and dignity actually gets trampled on again, but he still means that much to me. And I'm gonna start by placing my appointments in place and not avoid commitment just because I'm making time for someone else.
While the fat woman on the show stops crying when the doctor actually asks her "Are you willing to change?", I thought that was so wayang....I think one's desire to change manifests in the mind over time and when people change they just, do it. I will just do what I believe in- and that isn't self-destruction. During my seminar today my prof said that many studies have shown that depression causes some sort of mild dementia, basically just deterioration of memory.... and now that explains very very well what has been happening to me.... So I guess I don't have a choice. I'm losing neurons in my brain and that actually scares me more than anything.
Anyway I'm just gonna sleep, totally screwed it by signing up for that thing called arts bash *frowns*.......
but YES I'm still cynical hahahahaha.
